A Waist is a terrible thing to mind

A Waist is a terrible thing to mind

Wednesday November 26, 2008 Westminster Eagle column by Kevin Dayhoff

I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. I’m looking forward to tomorrow because it will be the first holiday in which my extended family gets together with the presidential election finally behind us.

Like many families, our family was divided over whether to vote for Illinois Sen. Barack Obama or Arizona Sen. John McCain. As a matter of fact, a few cousins were involved with Senator Obama’s national campaign efforts.

Tomorrow, crow will be served for the members of the family who voted for Senator McCain.

Oh, the political discussions will be good-natured. President-elect Obama is our president now and we’re all loyal Americans.

We also have vegetarians in our extended family. This is a great. Every family ought to have as many vegetarians as possible. It means that much more turkey for the rest of us.

Tomorrow we will be delighted to serve our vegetarian family members roasted pinecones in a béarnaise sauce; a side plate of dandelion greens in a fat-free raspberry pureed dressing, some anorexic carrots, and squash that tastes like spiced mud, topped with mulch.

Right before Thanksgiving, the vegetarians in the family were happy that a turkey was once again pardoned by President George W. Bush.

However, according to the President-elect Obama supporters in the family, immediately after the ceremony, the turkey was whisked away to be held in an undisclosed location without formal charges or access to legal counsel…

Nevertheless, we have a particularly fresh turkey for Thanksgiving. We took Dave Barry’s advice and invited Martha Stewart over to help us cook.

If you are not familiar with Mr. Barry; he has written for The Miami Herald since 1983 and is a Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary. He writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets. Alas, he is the source of all of my cutting edge information.

Sometime around the time he wrote, “A Waist Is a Terrible Thing to Mind,” Mr. Barry called to our attention that in selecting a turkey, remember that the fresher it is, the better it will taste.

“That's why, if you go into the kitchen of top professional homemaker Martha Stewart on Thanksgiving morning, you'll find her whacking a live turkey with a hatchet. In fact, you'll find Martha doing this every morning. ‘It just relaxes me,’ she reports.”

If you plan to do your own cooking this Thanksgiving; according to Dave Barry, “your first step is to calculate how much turkey you need.”

“Home economists tell us that the average 155-pound person consumes 1.5 pounds of turkey, so if you're planning to have 14 relatives for dinner, you'd simply multiply 14 times 1.5 times 155, which means your turkey should weigh, let's see, carry the two ... 3,255 pounds.

“If you can't find a turkey that size, you should call up selected relatives and explain to them, in a sensitive and diplomatic manner, that they can't come because they weigh too much.”

Hopefully your Thanksgiving will be full of smiles and laughs, family and friends – and plenty of food.

And as we gather with our families over a Thanksgiving meal, please remember our firefighters, police officers and men and women in uniform, who all look after us so that we may enjoy the day.

May we ask that we be given patience, resolve, and wisdom in all that lies ahead for our great nation.

Kevin Dayhoff writes from Westminster Maryland USA.
E-mail him at: kdayhoff at carr.org
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http://www.kevindayhoff.net/
His columns appear in The Tentacle, http://www.thetentacle.com/; Westminster Eagle Opinion and Sunday Carroll Eagle: http://explorecarroll.com/opinion-talk/

20081126 A Waist is a terrible thing to mind

Kevin Dayhoff Westgov.Net: Westminster Maryland Online